The Bum’s Rush #49

Bow Your Heads As Captain Typho Leads Us In A Prayer

A few weeks ago the wonderful folk at Titan Comics asked if I’d be willing to help them out at the Dallas All-Con 2006. All-Con, for those who might not have heard of it, is an amazingly diverse convention with tons of stuff to see and do throughout the weekend. Sure, they have all of the comic book/pop culture convention standards – a great dealers room, sci-fi and comic book guests, a large number of panels on a variety of subjects, role-playing and lots of fanboys (and girls) dressed up as Klingons, Stormtroopers and… scary elf things. But they have so much more, like costume competitions, a murder mystery dinner, live music, cabaret, performances of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Moulin Rouge and more. I’d heard a lot of good things about the show from the previous year. Mostly I’d heard that it was THE party con.

I told the Titan crew that I’d gladly lend a hand, happy for the opportunity to check out the show and deny that I’d ever heard of represent Stumblebum Studios. At one point we had considered getting a table at the show. With less than a week to prepare and some members of the Crew unable to attend we ultimately decided against it. But considering I had such a blast at just one day of the show you can bet that Stumblebum will be in full effect at All-Con 2007.

I arrived a little bit late… okay fine, a lot late, thanks to a well timed and classic example of a Dallas traffic jam caused by that strangest of occurrences – water falling from the sky! It never fails. When rain hits the Dallas area for more than ten minutes the entire city goes into some sort of apocalyptic seizure and everyone on the road becomes an even worse driver than they already were. I took almost an HOUR to get to the show! Which is pretty bad when you consider that I only live about ten minutes from the hotel where the show was being held.

Still, Rebecca, Titan’s resident hot chick, was as sweet and understanding as ever, greeting me with a smile and a wave when I finally walked into the dealer’s room. Somehow, amongst the throngs of Klingons, Stormtroopers and… scary elf things, this chick managed to keep her cool at all times. Then again, if she can tolerate my extremely nerdy butt then she could probably handle just about anything this geek-a-palooza would throw at her. Including being a judge in the 2006 Ms. Star Wars contest. Wow.

I hadn’t been at the show for long and was doing what I do best – standing around, pretending to be busy and talking a lot about nerdy stuff while making fun of the other nerd – when I saw it. Laid out on a small, blue-cloth covered table amongst a number of other handmade replicas of famous sci-fi movie weaponry was an item that I knew, almost immediately, I had to own. It’s silver and gold paintjob glimmered in the dim yellow lights of the dealer’s room. It seemed to be calling to me. In a daze I approached the table where it lay and picked it up, ever so gently. The dealer behind the table knew a sucker when he saw one and immediately gave me one price before “cutting me a deal” and knocking it down five bucks. I happily handed over the money and clutched the item in both hands. My precious. My very own Sky Captain ray gun!

I will freely admit that it was probably one of the geekiest and possibly most pointless purchases of my life. But ain’t it gorgeous? I am absolutely in love with that sleek retro sci-fi look. Flash Gordon, Buck Rogers and fishbowl space helmets, all that stuff speaks to the kid in me, not to mention the graphic designer in me. I’d almost compare this purchase to my father’s own hobby of collecting swords, axes and other medieval weaponry, if not for that fact that, if push came to shove, he could kill the hell out of you with his toys and the most I could hope to achieve is giving someone a slight concussion if I throw the thing just hard enough. And believe me, it’s got some weight to it. If I could hit you with it I bet it would hurt. But I’m not going to be melting holes in giant, clunky robots any time soon. Still! Look at it! Sooo pretty. There was a replica of Harrison Ford’s gun from Blade Runner, which I have always loved. I almost bought it but I think purchasing one toy gun at a time is probably best.

The rest of my time at the Titan booth was spent helping Ethan and Rebecca with customers, talking to a few friends who were attending as guests (like the lovely Kit Lively) and trying to resist the urge to purchase the Blade Runner gun. And not just the gun! There were so many retailers at the show with a plethora of amazing products to buy. Rarely had I gone to a show with money to buy stuff. And rarely have I better been able to resist the urge to buy than at this show. I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to walk away from that show with my Sky Captain ray gun and that was it! It was tough, especially when perusing the tables full of hard to find and bootleg DVD’s. One vendor had a copy of Night of the Comet, a horror movie I have been dying to see for years. But I resisted. Another table featured a number of Asian sci-fi and animated movies that I have been impatiently waiting to hit the U.S. Titles like Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children and the live-action special effects extravaganza, Casshern. But still, I stood firm. Perhaps it’s precisely because I had the money that I was able to hold on to it. If that makes any sense? Probably not.

The dealer room closed up but the show was far from over. I walked past a number of events that were still in full swing, and plenty of fans still in full costume, and headed downstairs to the bar where Kit Lively, Julie, Kit’s brother and his girlfriend were knocking them back and chowing down on pizza. They pulled a few tables together and I joined them, scarfing down some of the last slices of pizza and smoking a cigarette while waiting for a coke… my first caffeine of the day! Julie was astounded by my “eating the pizza and smoking a cigarette at the same time” trick. I tried to assure her that it was purely accidental, that I had begun smoking the cigarette before they offered me the pizza, which I had to eat right then considering I hadn’t had a bite all day. It had little to do with any sort of ancient Chinese flavor enhancing secrets of smoking and eating at the same time. Mmmm, pizza and cigarettes… tasty. Still, she insisted upon trying it herself but found that it was not the experience she had hoped for, blaming me for my poor culinary advice. I tried to explain once again about the necessity rather than enjoyment of my pizza and cigarette but all that came out was a piece of pepperoni and a puff of smoke.

We hung out in the bar for a few hours, shooting the breeze, drinking and getting threatened with cigarette burns (or was that just me). Then the karaoke started. Good lord. The woman who was “hosting” the “event” had the most gravely voice I have ever heard in my life. I imagine her driving a big rig six days a week, smoking twelve packs of cigarettes a day and drinking hard liquor from a flask then stopping off in Dallas on Saturday’s to host a fun-filled evening of wannabe country star’s and American Idol reject’s belting out horrible tunes that make cats in the alley behind the hotel roll over and die. Needless to say, it was bad. Especially when miss smokes-a-lot grabbed the mike. But soon enough it was time for Kit’s panel (at 11:00!) and I was happy for the excuse to leave this contest of the vocally challenged behind.

Kit’s panel was mostly populated by the group from the bar, a few other con attendees and a couple gentlemen in the back of the room playing Warhammer (or something, I don’t know from role-playing games). Kit turned off the lights and flipped on an overhead projector, showing a number of his best cartoons and trying not to cry as we all berated him for his sick sense of humor and poor drawing skills. But ‘twas all in good fun! I also learned that, while Kit has done a number of cartoons for Hustler, Larry Flynt is not his biggest fan. I imagine Kit’s humor is a little too dirty for him.

Ethan, who needed me to acquire an extension cord so that he could set up the lights for the Moulin Rouge performance, pulled me away from Kit’s panel. Battling my way through the throng of fat Stormtroopers and other freaks I emerged triumphant, extension cord in one hand and the scalp of a pasty Klingon warrior in the other. I helped Ethan set up the lights for the show… correction, I stood around feeling useless while Ethan and a few others set up the lights for the show. But hey, who found the extension cord, huh? Me, that’s who! After that we all headed back down to the bar. It was more crowded than ever and the karaoke torture-fest was still in full swing. While most of our party decided to remain in that alcohol driven hell, Ethan and I decided that we’d had enough of bleeding from the ears and went in search of less excruciating forms of entertainment. Perhaps there was someone nearby driving nails into people’s eyes for a small fee, for instance.

We wandered into the hotel’s lounge and found actors Jay Laga'aia (Queen Amidala’s eye-patch wearing security chief, Captain Typho, from Episode II and III) and Ken Feinberg sitting near the piano and entertaining a small crowd. This really was the highlight of the show for me as Laga’aia was absolutely hilarious, telling jokes and stories and belting out a couple of songs with his amazing voice. As we sat there the crowd grew larger and larger. At one point James O’Barr’s manager/girlfriend, Sarah, joined us at our table. When Jay asked if anyone else in the crowd could sing Sarah raised her hand. I had no idea but she’s a pretty talented singer and songwriter. After a few minutes Jay managed to coax her up onto the stage and even found a guitar for her to play. She sang an amazing song; one I can’t remember the name of at the moment. But this girl is talented.

We were soon joined by Rebecca and a few of the others, who had apparently discovered that no amount of alcohol could make the terrible wailing in the bar sound any better. A guy sitting near the front, dozens of strings of colorful beads draped around his neck, attracted Jay’s attention. “What are the beads for?” Jay asked innocently. Thus was explained the bizarre phenomenon of beads for… “favors”, traditionally during Mardi Gras (which was being sort of celebrated, albeit a little late, by some people at the show). “Let me get this straight,” he said, amazed, “I just shake the beads like this… and a girl will… really?” A demonstration was called for and we lost Jay for a few minutes. “I love this country!” he declared.

The discussion moved on to other things, but inevitably kept coming back to the beads, most notably when Jay would shake the beads at just about every woman who would pass by the lounge, with very little success. At one point a very large string of big, pink beads were produced and an impromptu contest was put together. Two girls (one of whom I knew) climbed up on the stage and… uhm… and then we all bowed our heads as Jay led us in prayer. Now please turn in your bibles to Job 31:1. Let’s just say, things happened, fun was had and the goats were returned to their rightful owners in the end. And apparently, the girl I know who actually won the beads and shall also remain nameless, was very popular at the show the next day. No doubt everyone heard about her big, pink… beads… that she won. Lord, I apologize.

Seriously, it was absolutely the most fun I have ever had at any convention I’ve ever attended. All-Con 2006 was amazing. All the guests and the attendees were amazing. It was a freakin’ blast. Like I said, Stumblebum will definitely be there next year. And we’re gonna have a whole table full of beads!

Pull Dan Slott’s Thing

No, not that thing… you pervert. Dan Slott wants you to add Marvel Comics’ The Thing to your pull list (a list that you can set up with your local comic book store in order to reserve a copy of the books you buy on a regular basis). Slott, who writes the monthly adventures of Benjamin Grimm, a.k.a. The Fantastic Four’s orange, rocky strongman The Thing has recently announced that due to the book’s poor sales figures it is dangerously close to being cancelled. In an effort to save the series from the chopping block, Mr. Slott has decided to hold a contest which he has dubbed “Pull My Thing and Win a Prize!” Here’s how Slott describes the contest:

“There’s one grand prize, the whole kit-and-kaboodle, and it’s going to the best pitchman on the message boards! We need people pounding the virtual-beat, getting the word out about our pull list campaign, and letting people know what they like about the title. I’ll be scouring all the boards and declaring a winner by the end of June.

What I’m looking for is the person who’s doing the best job promoting “Pull My Thing and Win a Prize” - but without being pushy or derailing any threads. And you gotta bring the love [laughs].”

And just what is the grand prize? If you win you’ll receive an original page of Thing art by regular series artist Andrea DiVito, as well as copies of all three She-Hulk trades, the GLA trade, the GLA Christmas Special and the Spiderman/Human Torch: I’m With Stupid digest, all written and signed by Dan Slott himself.

The Thing #5 hits stores this week so get crackin’ if you want to help save this wonderfully fun comic written by Dan Slott, winner of the coveted Bum’s Rush Favorite Writer Award for 2005! If you need help finding a comic book store near you just use the Comic Shop Locator!

Quick Bits

Warning! Nothing you read here in Quick Bits should be considered FACT until it actually happens. Which it might not. How do you know I’m not just making all this crap up? I could, you know. You’ve been warned!

1. If you want to read a pretty HUGE spoiler regarding Infinite Crisis you should go check out Rich Johnston’s latest edition of Lying In The Gutters and skip down to the very bottom. I’m not going to reveal it here, but it seems authentic to me.
2. The first two issues of Paul Pope’s excellent Batman: Year One Hundred have sold out and are going to get new printings. I suggest you pick up this title right now! It’s brilliant, Paul Pope at his absolute best and a pretty damn cool Batman story to boot!
3. Lindsay Lohan wants to play Wonder Woman!? Blergh. Thankfully I think Whedon’s way too smart to hire her for the role.
4. Word has it that Dawn of the Dead (the 2004 version) director Zack Snyder is in talks to direct the movie adaptation of Alan Moore’s Watchmen. Could be good I suppose, though I already had pretty high hopes for this movie when Paul Greengrass and David Hayter were attached, only to see those hopes dashed by retarded studio executives who crippled the movie just as it was going into production. Then again, Snyder is just wrapping up work on a movie adaptation of Frank Miller’s 300, so maybe he is a good choice. We’ll have to wait and see I suppose. I ain’t holding my breath.
5. Apparently there’s definitely going to be a sequel to 2004’s The Punisher, with Jonathan Hensleigh returning to direct and Thomas Jane reprising his role as Frank Castle. This suits me just fine as I thought the movie kicked ass. It wasn’t a perfect Punisher movie, but it was pretty damn close.
6. And in even more movie news, Waterboy and Wedding Singer director Frank Coraci has been tapped to bring B. Clay Moore’s Hawaiian Dick to the big screen. I’m not sure what Coraci brings to table considering Hawaiian Dick is less a comedy and more a detective thriller. Then again, he did also direct the smash hit, Around the World in 80 Days! Whoops, did I say smash hit? I meant DISASTER! I don’t think that movie even made back a quarter of it’s $110,000,000 budget!

NEXT WEEK: Oh my God! The Fiftieth Bum’s Rush?! How do these things sneak up on me? Okay… well, I’m going to try and do something on the first month’s worth of DC’s One Year Later titles and… uh, lemme see if I can put together a little something special for this big anniversary event! But if I can’t let’s all just pretend I never said anything about doing something special. Maybe I’ll just skip straight to fifty-one?
 

Send me hate mail at thesuperleezard@yahoo.com

Read more stupid crap I write at www.livejournal.com/users/superleezard

Check out my (semi) daily comic, Der Wundervolle Bean, at www.livejournal.com/users/der_magic_bean

End of Line