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The Bum's Rush

by A.C. Hall

The Bum’s Rush #93 Video Killed the Radio Star Alright, SPOILER WARNING here, as I’m about to blow the lid off Marvel’s Civil War for you. The internet is abuzz with rumors as to how Civil War is going to end. Using the context clues from solicitations and leaked images, most fans have gotten behind one singular ending that they think will happen. Now let’s take a look at some of these clues. First we’ve got the Marvel hype machine saying that there will be a VERY MEANINGFUL death at the end of Civil War. So, somebody is going to die. Next up, we’ve got the reveal of two new teams of Avengers, both missing one prominent Avenger. We’ve got a five issue mini-series called “Fallen Son” that is told using the five stages of grief. We’ve got a cover with a bullet ridden, bloody Captain America shield. We’ve, presumably, got a Marvel universe that is no longer locked in Civil War, although Marvel stands by its statement that neither side wins. So, what could happen that was so shocking that it stopped the war and caused the government to scale back the Registration Act? Why, could it be the death of America’s prodigal son, (cough cough, fallen son) Captain America? Yes dear reader, it could. Captain America has been on pretty much every Avengers team since the beginning of time, but is strangely on neither of the post Civil War Avengers team. There is no Captain America comic book coming out after Civil War. So, fans figured it out. The death of Captain America would be shocking and jarring enough that it could/would/will put a stop to the war, causing both sides to realize that too much has been sacrificed in the name of the Registration Act. Now, let’s take a look at how Marvel is desperately trying to put an end to this rumor and cover the fact that we fanboys figured out their ending. First is this picture here. This showed up shortly after the rumor began that Captain America was going to bite it in Civil War. Now, take a close look at it. There are two very important things to note. First, that shield is the exact shield from a different comic book cover, photoshopped into this picture. This has been proven on a different website, so I’m not going to bother getting too deep into that point. Next up, take a look at the American flag. It’s faded and easily could’ve been something else that Iron Man was holding in the original picture. What I’m saying is, this picture is a fake. In a desperate scramble to throw off the fact that fans figured out the ending, Marvel recolored this picture and added in the shield and flag (although it’s not out of the question that Iron Man would be drawn with a flag, so the flag may be authentic). Then, Marvel attaches this to a Captain America book collection and submits it to Amazon, knowing full well that fanboys constantly check those lists to get hints as to upcoming comic book collections. When confronted with the picture Joe Quesada gave a great performance, feigning irritation that fans had uncovered what Cap will be up to after Civil War, but saying that was “just part of doing business”. If it was real, the last thing Joe Quesada would do would be “Well schucks, I wish you hadn’t found it but you did so yeah, that’s cap alright.” He would’ve done one of his patented “Woweewow, that is a humdinger for sure! But at the house of ideas up isn’t always down and that picture could actually be the first step in the next big direction that’s so outrageous, so outstupendous, so outuberawesome that it stopped Tom Brevoort’s heart for eighty six seconds! YOU WON’T BELIEVE THE SIGNALS YOUR BRAIN SENDS TO YOUR EYES!” Nope, the hype machine that is Quesada instead said “whoops, you found the solicitation showing a living Captain America after Civil War, my bad.” This to me is an absolute and total admittance. But that’s not all I’ve got. Next up we’ve got Civil War writer, Mark Millar, saying in an interview that HE GUARANTEES THAT BOTH CAPTAIN AMERICA AND IRON MAN ARE STILL AROUND AFTER CIVIL WAR. Tell me I’m not the only one who sees through the wording. Captain America will be around, but there’s absolutely nothing that says Steve Rogers will be the one who is Captain America. Sure, it’s clever for Millar, whose I.Q. is equivalent to the price of comic books in the 1940’s, but it’s not fooling me. Next we’ve got the New Avengers, the team that sticks closely to the defiant spirit of Captain America. Led by Luke Cage, the team is packed full of Captain America aficionados. In an interview about the team, series writer Brian Michael Bendis revealed this. At one point Luke Cage says they are the Avengers, and someone says “why are we the Avengers.” Luke’s answer? “Because Captain America said we are.” Tell me that’s not a clear sign that prior to his death Captain America gives a stirring and inspiring speech to these new New Avengers. So there you go. That’s my case as to how Civil War ends. I could be wrong, as there’s absolutely no denying that Marvel could do something totally lame like saying “It was all just a dream!” or “The Scarlet witch made everyone dream it, it wasn’t real!” or “The aliens did this and now Xavier has turned back time and undone it!” Now, if you’re a huge Captain America fan, don’t worry, I sincerely doubt they’d ever kill off Steve Rogers. You see, Rogers is a cagey sort, smart in a way that only someone who fought in World War 2 can be. He knows that his death is the only thing that can end the Civil War, so he stages it so that everyone believes. What happens to Steve Rogers afterwards? Why he masks up as mysterious ninja Ronin, another of the members of the New Avengers team. You heard it here first ladies and gents. For real. If I’m wrong I’d promise to do something, like a losing bet sort of something. But let’s face it, I just wrote 1058 words about this possible ending, so if I’m wrong that’s punishment enough. Remender the Alamo I have absolutely no information to tell you about comics professional Rick Remender. The fact is that I thought up the headline and felt it was too great not to use. Spawn, Hell Spawn In a move that probably should’ve happened somewhere around issue 45, the comic Spawn is being fully rebooted. After 150 FREAKING ISSUES of sitting around whining about the coming apocalypse, the thing actually happened. God and the Devil were little kids, Spawn got the power of a God, Spawn killed all of mankind, God and the Devil left Earth to go fight elsewhere, Spawn uses up his God powers to remake the entire world and all of humanity, only now without any outside religious interference. The new book is going to be more of a horror book and less of a superhero book (although for it to be a superhero book, something would’ve had to have happened in my opinion). The whole thing sounds pretty interesting and is definitely enough to get me to pick up the first new issue dealing with all this stuff in a few months, #166. That’s all folks Well, it looks like that’s it. I hope you all enjoyed spending some time with me here at the Bum’s Rush. Be sure and check back next week for the return of Paul Milligan. Rotation month has been a lot of fun, but I’m excited to get back to Ring Psychology. We’ve got some great things in store for you all over the site, so be sure and check back every five minutes (just do it dammit!).