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| The Weigh In | by Dana Place |
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Well, boys and girls it’s time for another installment of your favorite weekly column, “the weigh in.” It seems I ruffled a few feathers with “the powers that be”, namely the MPAA over my little light hearted joke. It appears that they have a giant database that they run everyone’s Internet articles through and the words, “Scottish”, “sheep” and “burn” are flagged. These flagged articles are then read by a large burly black man with no sense of humor and a lot of frequent flyer miles. I know this because the same large burly black man monologued all this to me while he ransacked my apartment, looking for Scottish paraphernalia and any DVDs I might have hidden. The MPAA is apparently a much stronger organization than you might imagine. Other than rate movies and make commercials about how bad illegal downloading is for America, they have a much larger purpose. To control the population of the world by manipulating the mind of everyone between the ages of 18 and 49 through implanted images in big budget summer movies. Apparently the technology does not have the capacity to reach people younger or older than this range, but being wedged in a seat on a private jet flying to an unknown destination next to a large black man, asking questions didn’t seem to be the best idea. They have Congressmen, judges, and even some heads of state in their pockets. They set up a few private screenings and soon enough, laws are being passed, judgments are being rendered, and countries are even being overthrown, countries that don’t even allow their citizens the right to view American films that is. The black man seemed very proud of this and I think the reason he had no problem telling me all this was, well, he doesn’t expect me to ever see another living person. That brings me to now. I am trapped in a little shack on the tram tour ride at Universal Studios. That’s right. The one next to Jaws, in the middle of the pond. I am writing this in my own blood, with the sharp edges of my blockbuster card, (which they shredded right in front of me), all the while trying to teach a rat how to type and to use the Internet. You can’t imagine the frustration of trying to teach a rat Windows XP through pantomime. They have kept me alive for the past few days on unbuttered popcorn and watered down Mr. Pibb, but I don’t know how much longer this can last. I feel that I only have a few more days in me. I pray that my only friend, (who seems to be getting a little impatient with my teachings) will be able to translate these scrawlings into an email to my editor in time to get me out of here before I disappear. Regardless of whether I make it out of here dead or alive just spread the word. Scream it to the highest rafters. Call these evil people out for who they are, fight the power. Never let the revolution die. Excelsior!!!!! As always feel free to email me at Dplace76@yahoo.com. If I get out of this mess, I get back to you.
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