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Down But Not Out

by Drew Clements westofmiskatonic@gmail.com

Welcome back to another edition of Down But Not Out. We're back to focusing on older comics this week with an issue of the ever-lovin' blue eyed Thing's solo title. Let's jump right in! The Thing #7 - "Two-Fisted Feet!" Original Release Date: January 1984 Writer: John Byrne Penciler: Ron Wilson Inker: Hilary Barta Colorist: Bob Sharen Letterer: Rick Parker Editor: Ann Nocenti Editor-in-Chief: Jim Shooter Mercy Hospital, the Island of Manhattan - Wednesday, 9 a.m. With flowers in hand, the rocky Ben Grimm makes his way to a very special hospital room: the one in which his love, Alicia Masters, is spending the majority of her time. Finally in the room, Ben admits to Alicia his thoughts of quitting the Fantastic Four. He's grown a bit tired of saving the world when his world is populated with dozens of super-powered guys that could do it for him, but the main reason he's considering hanging up the tights is his love for her. After scaring himself a little bit at the thought of spending his life with her, Ben decides to leave and come back later. He finds himself on the streets of Manhattan pondering his recent change in mindset. Just a short while ago, he and the rest of the Fantastic Four were in the Negative Zone fighting Doctor Doom when Doom was killed. This turn of events got him to thinking about dying and the fact that he'd rather not be risking his neck when he could be spending his life with the woman of his dreams; the one woman who loved him more than anything else. With all this on his mind, Ben aimlessly wanders up to the scene of a crime in progress. New York's finest have set up a barrier outside the NY Bank of First National and are trying to persuade the person inside to give up. Ben asks an officer what's going on and the man is genuinely happy to see the FF's rock-skinned powerhouse. Inside the bank is a super-villain that the cops just aren't equipped to deal with. Fortunately, the Thing's only too willing to smash a baddie. As Ben approaches the bank, the villain emerges. Before the Thing can act, the bad guy announces himself as Goody Two-Shoes and proceeds to put a fierce kick to our loveable hero's torso, sending him flying across the street and into the side of a building. The comically named (and dressed) villain gloats over his atomic power boots, which give him the ability to put a stompin' (literally) on anyone and anything. The Thing recovers and runs full speed at the strange character, but Goody is able to act before Ben reaches him. The goofy baddie stomps the ground with his powerful boots and creates a crater in which our hero falls into. Ben quickly makes his way out of the hole in the street and announces just how serious he is, "It's clobberin' time!!" Goody Two-Shoes, who is obviously too ridiculous for words, proceeds to stomp our hero into the pavement. After putting a hurtin' on the Thing, Goody makes his way to the Empire State building where he scales the side of it all the way up to the top of the needle tower. The Thing follows, but realizes his mistake when he is just a few yards from the top. Goody has leapt from the top and is making his way down, atomic boots first, right at Mr. Grimm. Goody slams into Ben and the two slide down the side of the building and eventually reach the street below, putting yet another hole in the pavement. Emerging from the crater, Goody once again gloats and Ben once again emerges relatively unscathed (except for his ego). After some back and forth between the two, Thing eventually cuts loose and puts a hurtin' on the ridiculous villain. He also removes the atomic boots from Goody's feet and announces, "Ya hear that, world? He beat me bloody. He dang near killed me! But I came back. I came back swingin'! An' I won!" The next page over we enter the "real" world where Ben is loungin' at the FF's headquarters, the Baxter Building, reading the latest issue of his comic book series (the very same issue #7 we have in our hands right now!). With a shout of "What th'?!", Ben rolls the disgusting funnybook up and exits his room. "I told Reed! I said, "If we're gonna let them clowns at Marvel do comic books about us we're gonna hafta watch 'em every step of the way." The Thing mumbles aloud to himself as he makes his way to his sky-cycle. After retrieving it from the hangar, Ben makes his way over to the offices of Marvel Comics! Inside a large office, writer John Byrne, artist Ron Wilson, and Editor Ann Nocenti are going over Byrne's latest masterpiece when the furious Thing enters the room. Ben assures the writer and the rest of the crew that he'd have had very little trouble with such a preposterous bad guy. After calming down a bit, Ben is once again enraged by Mr. Byrne's comment that "sometimes your life just isn't interesting." Ben proceeds to close the doors to the office and put a beatin' on all inside. A short while later, Roger Stern, another Marvel writer runs into Ben, who tells him that if he wants Nocenti, Byrne, or Wilson, then he shouldn't go in that office Ben just left 'cause it's "kinda... interestin.'" This issue is fantastic (excuse the pun) in more ways than I can possibly remember to tell ya. First off, the whole thing is a farce; it's almost like one big April Fool's joke on the reader. It's obvious from my summary that Thing's fight with a villain named "Goody Two-Shoes" is horribly absurd and, you know what? It's supposed to be! That's the fun part of this particular issue. Not only do we get a crazy story, but we also get a glimpse inside Marvel's studios and can see that John Byrne did, at one point in time, have a sense of humor about himself. Byrne is known for his... overbearing ways in the funnybook business and this comic plays off of that reputation. For example, when Editor Ann Nocenti approaches John in the comic about fixing a cover to a comic, John explodes with ""Fix?" Fix? Did someone say "fix" in my presence?" It's hilarious. Love John Byrne or hate him, his work on The Thing and The Fantastic Four is absolutely some of the best comic-writin' of comic-writin.' There's a series of FF trade paperbacks called Visionaries: John Byrne that collects his FF work (durr!) that you should pick up. I almost enjoy Byrne's FF work more than I do Stan Lee's; I guess, in some ways I do like it more, because it took the FF to a new, detailed level, whereas Stan's work was what set the stage for that growth. Byrne is, of course, still active in comic books today. The art, by Ron Wilson, is fantastic. His version of Ben is clear and perfect. That's all there is to it. I can't find too much about Mr. Wilson on the internet, so I'm not sure what he's doing now, but I'd like to find out. If anyone knows anything, drop me an e-mail. This series is not hard to find and it's pretty cheap to pick up. Is it worth it? Uh, yes. Should you buy it? Uh, yes. Am I the greatest? Only in my own mind. Hope you enjoyed this week's admittedly short column! Hopefully I retained some of your attention. See ya next week!