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Uppercut

by Ryan N. Wilcox

All He Wanted Was a Cappuccino When I think of swashbuckling movies, I don't think of Robin Hood or The Three Musketeers. When I think of large scale box office failures, I don't really think of Waterworld or The Last Action Hero. However, when I combine my list of favorite movies that are swashbucklers as well as a large-scale box office failure, only one movie comes to mind, and that's 1991's Hudson Hawk. Bruce Willis wrote and starred in Hawk. He plays "the world's greatest cat burglar." The movie starts with Hawk finishing a 10-year sentence in prison. Upon his release, local mob types demand he to do a job for them. Then the CIA needs him to steal some stuff for them. Next, a couple of wealthy business types with plans to take over the world want him to steal for them. Finally, a secret Vatican organization gets involved. Of course, they are all after the same thing, the parts to Leonard DaVinci's machine that turns lead into gold. This is a very busy and well thought out adventure comedy. I think it failed on many levels because the physical humor was simple, but the verbal comedy was quite sophisticated. For Example, the two mob characters are named Anthony and Caesar Mario. There are two subtle jokes here. First, their names are Anthony and Caesar. Plus, they are the Mario Brothers. That's a lot of thought for two relatively small parts. Willis' character is such a good cat burglar that he and his accomplice, Tommy Five-Tone (Danny Aiello), don't need to synchronize their watches, they sing. Yes that's right, they sing a song that runs the exact length of time to get into a facility and out again, then they meet up at the very end of the song. The glib repertoire and the low brow physical comedy is a great mix, but it didn't go over well with many audiences. I guess a gigantic CIA operative named "Butterfinger" just wasn't many people's cut of tea. Richard E. Grant and Sandra Bernhard play a great duo of super-villains, Darwin and Minerva Mayflower. “When you make your first billion by the age of nineteen, there isn't much left besides world domination,” is Darwin’s explanation as to why he is the way he is. James Coburn heads up the "Candybars," a group of CIA operatives with a themed set of codenames. A young David Caruso plays Kit Kat, a master of disguise who always shows up dressed like the character he is following. We already mentioned Butterfinger, who likes to read Dr. Seuss out loud. There's Almond Joy, the African-American operative, whose tolerance for that name only exists because she used to have the name Chlamydia. Lastly, there is Bunny, the Mayflower's dog, who takes great pride in latching Hawk’s …special place. Hudson Hawk has many things that I feel make a great, fun movie, very much like the serials of the 1920's. It has adventure, romance, quests for fame and fortune, and eccentric heroes and villains. This was a project that had been in Willis' head for years before he put it together. All in all, I don't think Willis makes too many mistakes when picking projects to pursue. I always thought that even though the public wasn't very fond of Hudson Hawk, Willis made exactly what he was shooting for. It's not a movie that's so bad it's good. All the wackiness on screen is done intentionally. This is what separates many great movies from mediocre ones. Sure, it may sometimes come across as an unintentional gag, but when I see one here and there in a script that is so filled with these types of moments. I have to trust that every one was exactly what they were going for. Add this movie to your queue, and pay attention to all the details. Every time I see it, I catch a joke that I never caught on to before. You'll laugh, and be surprised at how much funnier this movie after you've forgotten how poorly it's debut was 15 years ago.