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The Weigh In

by Dana Place

Secret Weaknesses A good portion of my free time is spent completely inert, laying in my chair, trying to find reasons not to write the Great American novel, or read the great American novel. Hell, even reading that spy novel I picked up at Barnes and Noble a few months ago would probably be a step in the right direction. It’s not my fault. I’m not perfect. I smoke and knock back the occasional beer, but who doesn’t. I’m not immune to the subtle little flirtations of our modern technological mistresses; my Xbox, the internet, and television. Then, a few years ago I was introduced to the sweetest fix for any movie lover on the go, man about town who couldn’t be bothered to remember when those movies sitting on my dvd player were due back, Net-flix. Better than TiVo and even Movies on Demand, Net-flix gave me everything I could have possibly wanted. Thirty-thousand movies at my fingertips, and all I had to do was open my mailbox. It offered a plethora of drugs to tempt me from pursuing my higher calling of curing cancer, which I am sure I’ll get to eventually. Drama, comedy, and horror were all just a day away, pop it in the dvd player and lose my mind for a few hours. Surely you can see why this isn’t my fault. I mean I’m strong, but a man’s willpower can only hold the beast for so long. And then it happened, like finding that lucky cherry flavored heroin that all the drug fiends were talking about. Entire television series’ on dvd, just waiting to be rented. First I rented dvds to catch up on a series before the new season started, then I moved on to the hard stuff, entire series’ that had gone off the air. Years and years of television that had disappeared from the airwaves. The disks flooded my mailbox and went straight into my skull in hour and half hour increments. You won’t find the track marks in my arms or between my toes, but in my eyes, the red streaks and black bags from watching just one more episode of 24 season 3 and crawling into work the next morning, a coffee i.v. keeping my face off the desk, stopping only to drop off the last dvd in the mail. I would rush home to pop in the next episode, season, or series. Don’t get me wrong, like any good addict in denial not just any old crap will do. I like my Marlboro lights, my Bass beer and good television. Also, like any good addict I’m not running at the mouth looking for help or even asking for someone to block the access to my Net-flix account. I don’t have a problem. I’m actually here to draw you into my world, to hopefully give you the same tingle I get when I tear open that beautiful red envelope, slide the disk into my hands and pop it into my player. And take it from me, the best way to get someone hooked on anything is to give them a healthy shot of the good stuff. So after hours (and hours) of research, I have put together some of the best tv shows to ever make it on the air. These shows all passed on before they made a major impact with the public, either by running their course, were cancelled to make room for ratings powerhouses like Walker, Texas Ranger and Nash Bridges, or just died on the operating room table, only to be resurrected on dvd or syndication. Homicide, Life on the Streets: (1993-1999): Move over Law and Order, CSI, and even Dragnet. Homicide was by far the best police drama ever to play on network television. It was a fictional version of the six year saga of the Baltimore police homicide unit. Most police dramas are about the crime of the week with a nice tidy beginning and end, this show was less about the crimes themselves then the men and women who dealt with themselves and each other while wading through the death. Each character was judged by the board, a central piece to the drama that listed the murders of the year, unsolved in red, closed in black. It’s cast over the six year period included the likes of Yaphet Koto, Ned Beatty, Daniel Baldwin, (the big, not so famous Baldwin) and Richard Belzer, who carried his character, Munch, over to CSI Special victims unit. The show attracted actors like Steve Buschemi, Cathy Bates, Bruno Kirby, Neil Patrick Harris, and Bruce Campbell, to name a few. The show was helmed by Barry Levinson, and Tom Fontana, of Oz. It’s creators used an invasive type of camera movement and a beautiful soundtrack to bring out the emotion not captured on film. This tv series ended less as series and more along the lines of a piece of art that may not be pretty to look at, but was too engrossing to take our eyes off of. Completely brilliant, and now a days you’d only be able to catch something of this caliber on pay cable. Sports Night (1998-2000) One of the best written shows on television. Due to its short run, inexplicably loyal following, and terrible ratings, many who just didn’t “get it” consider Sports Night the “television show too smart for network tv.” But it was much more than that. It was the story of Casey McCall and Dan Rydell, two sportscasters on the late shift of a third rate sport television show and the people of the crew. And that’s actually it. No action or high drama. The written words and the acting made the show about regular people interacting, both at times moving and laugh out loud funny, partly because you had to laugh to keep other feelings from popping through. It was a half hour comedy format without the laugh track, (through part of the show, but was inexplicably added about halfway through the series). It was written by Aaron Sorkin, in his “His Girl Friday” mile a minute writing style only seen on the first few seasons of the West Wing. This television show was unique in it’s ability to attract you to the dialogue and likable characters. Amazing Stories (1985-1987) Created, produced, and occasionally directed by Stephen Spielberg, Amazing Stories was simply a series of stories in the vein of Twilight Zone and the Outer Limits. The big difference is that the stories, although there were only a few, were offbeat, quirky and were not tied to any particular genre at all. One week you could see a story about an actor dressed in a mummy suit trying to get to his child’s birth, being chased by rednecks and a real mummy, and the very next episode could be about an animated short told from the view of the family dog. You never knew what you were in for next. The series is most noted for the creation of the animated cartoon Family Dog. Unfortunately, as of this date have never been released on dvd. The Prisoner (1967-1968) Patrick McGoohan plays a secret agent that mysteriously retires then is just as mysteriously kidnapped and placed on this “perfect” island where is he expected to stay for the rest of his life, where he is simply is known as number 6. The story starts off simple enough and just gets more and more surreal as it goes along. It is a completely unique viewing experience that I think hasn’t been replicated. The Office (2001-2003) This British comedy is unique viewing experience because it is not your typical comedy. The best way to describe this television show is “awkward comedy”. Ricky Gervais plays David Brent, a man completely inept as a manager of this office and as person who is allowed to be let out in public. He is that guy that everyone knows who wants to be the center of attention but has absolutely no tact, and has no way of knowing when what he is doing has made him look like a complete jackass. The beauty of this show is that it’s not so much funny as you just spend each episode cringing, watching this guy just carry on until he is aware that his antics are painfully unfunny. And for that reason it is completely brilliant. When people talk about the car accident that you just can’t keep your eyes off of, they were talking about David Brent. Everything else either ran it’s course long before it was yanked off tv, or was just warmed over, rehashed episodes of Maude, without the ugly old lady in the wig, (I threw that part in to start a little controversy). So, now that you have been introduced to the cream of the crop, the best of the best, you should all be clamoring to find out how you too can have the bloodshot eyes, the withering social skills, and the pale pasty skin of a man introduced to some of the best Hollywood has to offer in film and television. Well, my friends, that costs extra. And you know it’s worth it, ‘cause I’d never steer you wrong. As always, if you have any questions or need that emotional guidance that only I can give, give me a jingle at DPlace76@yahoo.com