The Weigh In 73

Real news that really isn’t real news

Sometimes while flipping around the internet looking for ideas for my weekly column, I would run across news articles that seemed to be too silly to be true. A little while ago I added a weekly featurette to my article entitled: All the news that’s fit to forget. This was my chance to share this news with my readers while at the same time poking fun at the seriousness of this “news”. While the news is ripped right from the entertainment section, a portion of it is of course parody and not exactly true. This week I wanted to expand on this featurette. Next week we will be back on track with our regularly scheduled column about movies and television.

With the wrapping of production on the new Rocky film, this week it was announced that the fourth Rambo film will be titled: In the Serpent’s Eye. The film was written and will be directed by and star Sylvester Stallone. It is scheduled to be released in 2007. More recently, Mr. Stallone just celebrated his 60th birthday and realized that he just wrote a film that would have him starring as a Special Forces agent in a tank top and bandana. He scrapped the film and is currently working on Stop or My Mom will Shoot 2, starring Sarah Polley as his daughter. When asked to comment, a studio executive who refused to be named just shrugged his shoulders and replied: “What? He’s Oscar.”

David Lynch announced earlier this week that he is going to release his latest film, Inland Empire, on his own. When asked how he planned to pay for the distribution of the film he started talking backwards and dancing around his director’s chair. He then fell into a trance started mumbling about the perfect woman. Everyone laughed and left convinced they were in the presence of a genius.

Martin Scorsese’s latest film, The Departed, beat out Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning for the top box office spot this weekend. In response, Michael Bay’s production company purchased the rights to the film and is planning to release a prequel to the film sometime in the near future.

In a unique marketing attempt by Lion’s Gate Films, they are auctioning off a painting of the Saw III poster. The red paint for the painting was mixed with the blood from Tobin Bell, who plays the lead villain in the film. Not to be outdone by an actor, the director has agreed to travel the country and beat the crap out of any critic that releases a review of the film before it has a chance to be released.

According to reports, Ford will release the first glimpse of its newest car, the Mondeo, in the latest Bond film, Casino Royale, driven by James Bond. Rumor has it that James Bond in the film will also trade in his Walther PPK and martinis for a colt revolver and a case of Bud Light. Daniel Craig has also been watching old John Wayne westerns to prepare for the upcoming role.

Video stores are looking to save money wherever possible in order to keep up with video on demand and mail order video. Select stores will begin to open a section of their store so that renters can actually download DVDs they want to rent, complete with extras and cover art. In an effort to save even more money, Blockbuster Video is retrofitting all of its checkout computers with DVD burners and will be closing all of their stores. In its place will be specially designed “kiosks” and 16 year old Asian boys selling “that movie you didn’t think you could get on DVD yet”.

I hope you enjoyed this little departure from our regular discussion and I will see you next week.


This week in your local multiplex (10/13/2006)

The Grudge 2: Horror
Amber Tamblin, Sarah Michelle Geller, Edison Chen
Plot: Following her sister to Tokyo to find out what really happened to her, Amber Tamblin gets caught in “The Grudge” and has to unlock the mystery to save herself.
Buzz: (come back this weekend for a full review of this film)

Man of the Year: Comedy
Robin Williams, Christopher Walkin, Laura Linney, Lewis Black
Plot: A talk show host decides to run for president by saying what Americans want to hear and wins.
Buzz: I have always been interested in Robin Williams sarcastic humor and as long as this film isn’t too watered down, it could be a nice film to check out this weekend.

The Marine: Action
John Cena, Jeff Chase, Kelly Carlson
Plot: A discharged Marine from Iraq finds himself in a situation when his wife is kidnapped by a ruthless well, kidnapper.
Buzz: This movie is really being released in theaters? Blockbuster video has entire sections of its store filled with films that have basically the same plot, most of which went directly to video.

Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreaker: Action
Alex Pettyfer, Ewan McGregor, Mickey Rourke, Alicia Silverstone, Missi Pyle, Sarah Bolger.
Plot: After an MI6 agent is murdered, his son Alex Rider is forced to carry out his mission.
Buzz: Apparently that kid from Malcolm in the Middle is too old or wants too much money to do another Cody Banks sequel. The cast does intrigue me though. Maybe I’ll check it out on DVD.


This week on DVD (10/10/2006)

Click
Waist Deep
Art School Confidential
A Prairie Home Companion
Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties
Bad Santa (se)
The John Hughes Collection
The Fox and the Hound
The Butterfly Affect 2
Ju-On 2
Scrubs (season 4)
The A-Team (season 5)
Simon and Simon (season 1)
Everybody Chris (season 1)
The Andy Milonakis Show
The Exorcist Trilogy
Save the Last Dance 2
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
Numbers (season 2)
Legends of Horror
Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law
Save the Last Dance Set
The Butterfly Affect Collection
Magnum P.I. (season 5)
Marie Antoinette

As always, send you hate mail and adoration to DPlace76@yahoo.com. You can read my innermost thoughts at http://bigdpimpin.livejournal.com/. You can also keep track of all things Stumblebum at our myspace site, www.myspace.com/stumblebumstudios.