As evidenced by this week’s article, I managed to survive the harrowing ordeal of the previous week and am currently on the run from the long arm of Jack Valente and the evil organization known as the MPAA.

Before I begin this week I want to take a moment to remember the heroic acts of the most courageous rat I have ever met, Chester. I would probably be swimming with the mechanical shark if it hadn’t been for his suicidal diversion that gave me just enough time to swim across the pond and stow away on a passing tram. Your death will not be in vain my friend.

I am sitting on a sand dune somewhere in the middle of the Gobi Desert, and by the time you read this I will have moved on to another place untouched by the filthy hands of Hollywood film. A wandering tribe of Bedouin traders was kind enough to allow me the use of their wireless modem to get this week’s article to my editor. “может ветер под прикладами вашего верблюда снести вас более быстро к вашему назначению”.

I am now a wanted man. Jack Valente is using his power as the head of the MPAA to track me to the ends of the earth. I was too afraid to fly by commercial air for fear of the power of the in flight movie, and have spent the last few days on the back of a hallucinating camel given to me by the brother of a hyper manic drug smuggler that was kind enough to get me out of the country in the cargo hold of a Russian prop plane with what had to be about 2 tons of Venezuelan black tar and a six month old English Bulldog. A very gassy bulldog who liked to snuggle.

For the price of a bootlegged copy of Episode III and the new movie The Honeymooners, I learned from a Chinese bootlegger my worse fear, that the MPAA has a bounty on my head (they have a newsletter. Who knew?) and that there are undercover MPAA agents searching for me all around the world. Then, after a few beers, a meal of fish head stew, and an introduction to some of the strangest sexual perversions known to man and beast, he led me into a small garage under an abandoned movie theater where the whole night had been leading us.

The voice of the large black man that was duped by my clever friend in California was coming in over a loudspeaker in a room filled from end to end with ten year old children busy putting dvds into cover cases as large Asian men dressed in thuggee outfits from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom stood over them. My host (who asked not to be named to protect himself in the organization), explained that the children working here are the kids of parents who refused to pay overdue video rental bills and are here working off their parent’s debt. He brought me here to show me the horrible working conditions and the true face of the MPAA, and figured that if I can stayed alive long enough, I might be able to get the word out and change the conditions here.

I have been sitting on the back of this camel ever since I left China. I can’t make heads or tails of what is going on and I am desperately trying to put the pieces together. Nothing I’ve seen since I walked into my apartment a week and a half ago makes any sense, and every day it gets more and more surreal. I am not sure why a little article I wrote about my favorite Scottsman has me hiding from what is turning out to be one of the largest and most prolific organizations in the world. They seem to have eyes and ears in every part of the world and I am starting to feel a little paranoid. But I am now more than ever desperate to get at the truth. If not only to get it out to you, my loyal horde, but more and more to save myself.

If you have any information that may help in my quest or maybe just a crawlspace to sleep in for a few days, drop me a line at DPlace76@yahoo.com. Be sure to send it in the secret code only my loyal followers
know because I am sure by now they are monitoring my emails.

As always,
Dana

p.s. to my editor.. I will find a way to get in touch with you over the next few days so you can forward my Net-flix rentals.