xXx-State of the Union

There is an old saying that is probably never truer than when buying a ticket to the sequel of a movie you hated. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”. I’d seen the trailers for the movie and although I knew I wasn’t getting an Oscar caliber movie, I figured the movie at least looked different, plus I was in the mood to see stuff blown up. Different writer, different director, and even a different main character, Ice Cube. A straight up action flick, with no chance of having to think, directed by the guy that put together Die Another Day, a pretty cool Bond move as action goes, and Ice Cube. It couldn’t be as bad as the original two hour X-Games commercial that was xXx, could it. Surely, Ice Cube wouldn’t be snowboarding, and paragliding and such. Plus Paul wanted to see it too. So I was in.

. . . Spoilers ahead. . .

This movie took a completely different direction than the first one. Ice Cube plays Darius Stone, a convicted felon arrested and sentenced to prison for disobeying the orders of a superior officer. Samuel L. Jackson reprises his role of Augustus Gibbons, and breaks him out of prison, (in one of the most bizarrely unbelievable prison breaks in movie history), as the new xXx, to help him track down the group of terrorists (?), generic bad guys (?) that broke into a secret NSA hideout. At least I think that was the reason. But, in fairness to the movie, nothing in the movie really sets up anything that happens afterward.

This xXx is a hard nosed gangsta from the streets of Washington D.C., who uses his connections and street skills to fight villains, or to just be really offensive, it all tended to blend together after a while. With help from his friends, Xzibit, who seems to be the leader of an underground chop shop organization, Nona Gaye, Ice Cube’s love interest and “best ride he’s ever had” (I wouldn’t make that up), and some inexplicable white guy, who’s sole purpose in the movie is to hack the Department of Defense, and to point out where xXx’s lifestyle and the rich white society seem to clash, he seems ready for the task. But nothing is as it seems when xXx realizes that the general he disobeyed is actually the Secretary of Defense, played by Willem Dafoe, and is planning to overthrow the government by killing the president, vice president, and speaker of the house at the State of the Union address (hence the name), and framing xXx and his old SEAL team in the process. Other stuff happened that made absolutely no sense whatsoever, but by about a third of the way into the movie it didn’t really seem to matter anyway. Plus, I didn’t go into the movie expecting Oscar nominations; I really just wanted to see stuff blown up, which brings me to the action in the movie.

I have one rule when I watch action movies just to watch stuff blow up. It has to be at least a little bit believable. And even that rule is pretty bendable if the explosions are big enough. Here are 10 things I didn’t realize was possible till after seeing this movie.

10. Land mines are handy to have around when trying to dig a hole into a secret government underground base

9. When breaking out of prison, the helicopter flying overhead is probably the escapee’s best means of escape

8. Tanks flying along at 5 miles an hours are incredibly adept at dodging rocket propelled grenades, especially in small enclosed places

7. 2 tanks driving right next to each other are not capable of firing and hitting each other

6. It is always handy to have a catapult available when trying to launch large objects, (like tanks) at the enemy

5. A wine tray is the perfect undercover tool in trying to learn the bad guys’ secret plan.

4. Turning off the lights during a Presidential speech causes widespread panic and makes for easy capture of the president

3. Stealing a tank is relatively easy, as long as you bring a few hydraulic jacks along

2. The capital building is equipped with a secret underground subway system, fully staffed, ready to take the president up to the surface of the city at a moments notice

And finally…

1. Half a million dollar cars are able to drive at 200 miles an hour on rails, even without tires

When I decided to write this review, I wanted to come up with at least one good thing to say, so it would seem that I wasn’t just totally bashing the movie. Umm. Oh, I got it. It was the funniest movie I’ve seen all year. Unfortunately, I don’t think that was quite what they were going for.

DPlace76@yahoo.com
 

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